our story, part 1

I said yesterday I was planning on sharing the story of what's been going on with B and me lately. It's hard to even know where to begin so I will start way back. From almost the moment I re-met him as an adult, I knew there was something special about our relationship. His mom says that she had us married at Christmas (when we had only been dating about a month and a half) and I think I had us married even before then. He is the most amazing man. He is caring and sweet, fun and funny, we have the most interesting conversations, he treats his family with amazing respect, he is patient when I am being crazy, and he makes me feel so comfortable and secure in ways I never imagined I would feel with another human. I never knew I could love someone as much or in the same way that I love B. I have always known that he would be the BEST dad to our future children because he is the person that he is. I looked SO forward to the future when we would start our family.

We have always been very happy together, both working hard to better ourselves and our situation so that when the time came, we could give our children everything they needed to be happy and secure, too. I got my Master's degree and B pursued his Bachelor's and completed the ROTC program for the National Guard. I knew there were times when he felt discouraged to be an "older" student at his university, but I also knew that he was proud of himself for the accomplishments he was making. He was the first person in his immediate family to graduate from college. I know exactly what that feels like - it is a proud moment, almost indescribable. But there were some dark feelings that plagued B, too. I knew there were times when he felt like he was not "contributing" as much as he could be or making as much money as he could be while he was in school. But I tried to tell him that going to college is an investment in the future and I know that was as much motivation for B as any. We both want the best for us and for our kids and I thought it was worth it for both of us to pursue a career path that would make us happy and help us support our family.

When our one year anniversary came around, we started to hear talk of a possible deployment in the future for B in 2012. While I've prepared myself for this a million times in my head, it is still one of the scariest things I've ever had to imagine - having my husband go away for who knows how long to who knows where and not know what he would be doing there. The thought of being here by myself was bad enough, but then to think that we would have to wait to have children and then face the possibility of difficulty, which many of my friends have faced while trying to conceive - it was intense. B is my best friend. We do everything together. It was just all so awful to think about, the possibilities and worst "what ifs". So we discussed trying to have children as soon as possible so that he would have time to spend with the child before he ever had to deploy, if it came to that. He would be able to be there for his child when it was learning how to sit up and crawl and reaching all the first milestones. And then, if it took us longer than we thought, we would have some experience with the emotional process when he came back and could better deal with what lay ahead.

It was difficult. I think most people think that trying to have a child is the easiest thing ever - they certainly make it look easy on "16 and Pregnant". But it was a bit of an emotional process so when we finally saw the digital words "pregnant" six months later, we were elated. There was no other way to describe it. We sat in bed at 5 AM (I had been up every hour since 11 PM trying to wait until morning to find out) and looked at one another in disbelief. We laughed and cried at the same time. We hugged each other. We giggled goofily. I said, "Oh my gosh!" about a hundred times. B said, "We're going to be parents." Parents. B and I were going to be mommy and daddy to another human. "Holy crap" was all my brain could muster. This was really it. I prayed and B prayed that everything would be healthy. We tried to tell as few friends and family members as possible just in case things didn't go as we had hoped. Finally, when I was eight weeks along, we told B's entire family at Christmas and at twelve weeks along we announced it at my work and on Facebook. It was so exciting and relieving to finally be able to tell everyone that our baby seemed healthy and we were over the moon about having our first baby in August.

At our first ultrasound we saw our little jelly bean alien on the screen. It was the coolest thing ever. It was bouncing around a little bit and we got to see the child's big feet and cute nose. We were pretty sure at that point that we were having a little boy but it was far too early to tell for certain. Both B and I had a gut feeling that it was a boy, though. While at the doctor's office, we talked about something very important: my biological mother and biological sister are both carriers of a type of muscular dystrophy called Duchenne's. The doctor explained as much as he could about the condition and told us that we would be tested to determine my carrier status at our fifteen week appointment. I hoped that I was not a carrier of the gene, but I had discussed it with B before we ever thought about trying to conceive and we had agreed that we would like to have a biological child even if I was a carrier. I know that may sound difficult to understand, especially if you know anything about Duchenne's. But I think having not grown up with anyone who had the disease (since I'm adopted) and having lived with my mother (adoptive) having a type of muscular dystrophy of her own (not the same type), B and I felt that it was a decision we were happy with and we were willing to face whatever life had in store for us. We would love our baby no matter what.

After the fifteen week blood test, I waited for my results to see if I was a carrier of the gene. The way Duchenne's works is that females are the carrier of the gene and males can have the condition. If a female carrier has a male baby, the baby has a 50% chance of having the condition. If a female carrier has a female baby, the baby has a 50% chance of being a carrier, too. I prayed and prayed that if it was in the plan for my life to make me not be a carrier that I wouldn't be but I knew that whatever was meant to be would be. I called about my results...and I am a carrier. This news hit me very hard. In a lot of ways, I felt like I was being unfair to B and that if he had married someone else he wouldn't have to deal with the potentially terrible prognosis for our child. I felt guilty, even though I knew it wasn't my fault that I was a carrier. It's not anyone's fault. It is what it is. But I was extremely upset with the news and it took me some time to process it and wrap my brain around the possibilities. B was amazing. He told me he loved me and he was glad that he married me. He told me that he would have five kids with me and he didn't care if they had a disability, that we would love them no matter what. His strength helped to get me through that day. I started to pray again - this time that my child would be a girl and that she would not be a carrier of the disease. I'm not extremely religious but rather spiritual and I prayed that if it were in the will for my life that I would have a daughter.

My doctor called to talk with me and scheduled me for an anatomy ultrasound earlier, moved up from my original appointment. He wanted to get me in as soon as possible in case we needed to further pursue our options with a specialist. I left work early and B met me there. We were SO nervous. Here it is supposed to be the most exciting day ever when you find out the sex of your baby and we were excited, but also anxious and scared. When we went in the room, I thought my heart was going to literally burst out of my chest before she put the warming substance on my stomach and started the machine. The FIRST thing I saw was the unmistakable sign: BOY! We were overjoyed -- and terrified! A million thoughts ran through our heads. I cried my eyes out, both with happiness and fear for the possibilities. We talked to the doctor and he referred us to a specialist. We decided to go ahead with the genetic counseling to find out more about the disease so that we could be as informed as possible. We also decided not to have an amniocentesis due to the risk, however small it may have been. We just want to hope for the best for our baby boy and have him tested in August when he is born.

So this is where I will end part one of our story for now. The most important thing for us is that B and I love each other and we love our baby boy more than can be expressed. He is already our sweet, active, beautiful, hicupping, wiggling, rib head-butting, organ kicking, belly button-punching wonderful son and we will be so happy when he is here no matter what. We feel so thankful and grateful to be having this amazing child and it's funny because we decided to name him Bennett before we even knew what it meant. And do you know what it means? Blessed. Appropriate, huh? We think so.

quote of the day

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
— Albert Einstein

turning over a new leaf

I am hoping to turn over a new leaf in the frequency with which I write in this blog. Tonight I spent some time updating the page to reflect pictures that I have taken or pictures that my dad have taken. There are still a few more things I want to do to add some newness to everything and I am hoping to use this space as a way to share what is going on in my life with others who might be interested. These last few months have been a crazy whirlwind of emotions and I think it's time that I shared some of the things that B and I have been going through. The best thing, though, is that little B is on his way and will be here in the next eight weeks. We can almost not contain our joy! *squee* It's late, though, and I need to take my big pregnant butt to bed. Until next time, goodnight!